(S)He Who Has The Gold, Makes The Rules, Right? How To Talk To Your Partner About Money

It’s one of the most challenging parts of being in a close relationship: how to talk to your partner about money.

Sometimes just the thought of bringing up the subject with a partner, family member, or even yourself can freak you out enough to want to table the discussion completely.

But why are money talks are such a big deal in relationships? Why don’t people know how to talk to their partner about money?

I was recently reminded of one of the biggest reasons for this when I had a conversation with a client. During our call that client made a spontaneous but telling remark…

“But the person who makes the money has all the control.”

Quite the revelation, right?

Maybe my client wasn’t even aware themselves that this is how they felt. But trust me, it’s SUCH a common theme with money and relationships.

In fact, even as little as a few years ago it could’ve been me saying (and believing) this very statement.

I used to believe that the primary breadwinner dictated the money, and nobody else had a say in how the money was spent. Even if I had my own money, I felt that my vote was limited to how much money I contributed.

I my relationships, I lived by that age-old idea that if I wasn’t the one with the money, I had no say. You know, the old idea that, “as long as I’m paying the bills, you’re following my rules.”

Needless to say, this fostered a resentful and harmful relationship with money that started in childhood. Can you relate?

Honestly, I bet that most of us have felt they were at the mercy of a breadwinner at some point in their life. Whether it was as a child or an adult.

But, fortunately, instead of living in that space forever, I chose to work on my relationship with money. And wouldn’t you know it, the more I improved how I related to money, the better my relationships with others became!

Here’s what I learned as I went on that journey…

The person with more of the money (or all of the money) doesn’t have control over you. That person simply has more financial responsibilities. That is ALL.

A financial contribution is just one of MANY things that comprise a healthy relationship. There are other things that matter just as much. Things like respect, trust, and of course communication.

Communication is key in all areas of a relationship, and it’s particularly relevant with money. So what does that kind of money communication look like? Let’s look at a few examples of conversation starters!

Suppose that your partner is the primary breadwinner. In that case, start with talking to your partner about what it means to be the “breadwinner.” Then talk about what it means to be the “supporter.” Once you’ve established what these roles mean to you, talk to each other about whether you’re comfortable in those roles as they are now.

Here’s another scenario. If both you and your partner make equal financial contributions, how can you work as a team to double down on your financial goals?

If you are the breadwinner, discuss with your partner how you’d like to be supported. And if you’re the supporter, have the same conversation from your perspective.

So here’s the bottom line on how to talk to your partner about money…

The number of dollars you have does not equal your amount of say in a relationship. It does not represent how much control you have. The money you contribute is the level of financial responsibility you have.

Part of that responsibility is communicating how comfortable you are with your roles in investments, debts, and goals. Or, to put it another way, the amount of money you have does not create automatic worthiness in a relationship. How you use it does.

Having these conversations with your partner early and often can really make a difference as you build lives together. You can’t predict the future, but you CAN prepare for it. This is how to talk to your partner about money without such stress or strife.

Keeping an open and honest dialogue about money is one of the most supportive things you can do as you move forward together!

Until next time,

Love, Light, and MONEY, Honey…

Kaylee

P.S. If you want to start upleveling your personal relationship with money, I’ve got something you’re going to love…

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